#throwback 2014.

2014 definitely was not an easy year for me, getting used to singapore, adapting back to the lifestyle, work and even the cultural difference singapore is compared to australia.. i will not deny i struggled quite abit and from there i became a different person just so i can try to please the people that were surrounding me. i stuffed myself with work and tried to remain as busy as i could so i would not have to face the reality of the world out there.

besides all those, i had to deal with my grandma having a fall in late January and was hospitalized for close to a month, and mom being diagnosed with cancer around the same period. having to juggle work, hospital visits and making sure mom is not over worked at home on a daily basis was not an easy task. following after that mom had her operation and had to go through radiation for a few weeks daily.. seeing her tired and in pain was not a scene one would like to see. but thankfully, mom recovered and is well.

after that school kept me busy for a good couple of months, from sparks accreditation, to audit checks, k2 recording, practices and rehearsals for concert started and there went another wave of stress periods.

in november, mom made a trip to Israel but at the same time… dad fell into major depression and i had to once again juggle work and making sure he is eating his meals and medicine regularly, that he is alive and well while i am at work and making sure i get back home in time for him for dinner.

just when i thought all was well and yay the year is ending.. the day i left for my korea trip, news of my grandmother passing had to come on the same day. Helplessness just came onto me, as much as i wanted to be home with my family, to help and support.. the thought of going to Korea was also holding me back. after all the anticipation of going away and having the final getaway for the year… with a unsettled heart, the decision was made to stay on for the trip..

but despite all these that has happened over the year. i am thankful that i ..

1) managed to go on 4 trips around asia + Australia (BKK, Montigo, Perth, Korea)

2) Survived ONE WHOLE YEAR of full time work!

3) had a class i could call my own in the last 3/4 of the year.

4) had enough money to survive month to month

5) got closer to my sister + extended family got closer to one another.

6) my family is still intact despite all that has happened.

7) for friends and family who was always there to help, lead and guide when things got rough and help was needed.

8) served in ministry for 1 year, and parents/helpers are open to us being in the room.

9) being able to form friendships at work.

10) getting a brand new camera of my choice.. and paying only a fraction of the retailing price.

As much as in dreaded 2014 and could not wait for it to end…. Here’s  to a even greater, better 2015! (:

insecurities, uncertainties, perfectionism, multiple failures.

things that make me wanna retreat into my world and hack the whole world. sometimes maybe things are just easier left unsaid, swept under the carpet and letting nature takes its own course.

have you ever.. or am i the only one?

have you ever reach a point of your life when you just want to give it all up, let it go and just drop everything and run away?

have you ever just want to scream, shout and curl up in your little corner to cry your lungs out, but you just don’t know how to and what to do?

have you ever know that you just need a break, but you know that break might kill you instead?

have you ever felt so useless and hopeless that every other thing that does not concern you just seems more interesting and happening for that moment?

or am i just the only one feeling this way?

i miss those days, when i am in charge of my own lessons, my own activities, my own projects i do with the kids.

i miss those days where it was a free world out there of activities, where you dont need to follow a lesson plan that i set by the curriculum team, when u can tweak the plans according to the needs of the children, and also to your own comfort level.

maybe i am still not so used to having strict guidelines of having a lesson plan and needing to follow what the other classes are doing. maybe i need my own life, my own path, my own teaching style.

.life.

after being back in Singapore for slightly over a year, going through the routine of work home cell church ministry… honestly, i can’t tell if i am or not settled in Singapore already. Somehow everything just feels like a routine and if any thing goes out of the routine it just seems weird. there is no expectations of what my nights is going to be like, there is no special things happening. no random meetings or what not. in another words, my life is now pretty monotonous.

after possibly being offered a job back in Perth, and as much as i want to stay there and apply for my PR, i am also quite torn. will moving back there really give me the happiness that i want, the joy that i use to have, the freedom of how i want to live my life? is that the road that God has actually lead me to.. or is singapore really my calling to stay?

in conclusion, i dunno.  i am torn, i am confused. the best of both worlds will not work for me, but which do i really want in life?

exciting times ahead.

august 2014 – perth trip
September 2014 –
october 2014 – rehearsals for concert
november 2014 – k2 graduation concert 😀
december 2014 – bintan & Korea/hk trip.

exciting and busy times ahead!
BRING IT ON!! 😀

Just how dense can a human go?

Time after time, hinting, poking and even telling straight in the face… BUT YOU JUST DONT GET IT. like honestly? And all you do is give excuses after excuses about how you don’t know how to reply and other random shit.
Aint got a backbone?, cant stand up for yourself? If you cant even catch the hints or even rebutt back.. how can you even lead?

I wonder time and time again to why I am giving you so much chances when you are not even making an effort to do anything.

You know what, forget it.
I have nothing left to say.

then and now.

the difference one year can bring…

 

this time one year ago, sydney hillsong conference.  anticipating and in hopes for what my future will bring.

now.. one year later, stuck in singapore working.. fearful and not very hopeful to what the future will bring.

 

a difference 365 days makes.

from being on fire to having no fire at all.

from having the faith to step into the next season of my life, to retracting ever little step forward i have taken.

after a long day of training, and the two year old runs to you when being seen, gives you a big bear hug and in the sweetest (maybe manipulative) voice ever saying… “i like you ms faith”.

just makes everything so worthwhile. (:

Jus cos imma human.

Holding and clinging onto something that will always be out of reach.

But lettting go of something that could have been of reach.